January 6, 2012

The Funniest Email (from my mother)

Before I was a stay at home mom, I worked at an imaging clinic as a sonographer. When my maternity leave ended, I briefly returned to work for a few weeks before beginning my days as a full-time stay at home mom. On one of those last few days of work, I received the following email from my mother, who was watching our then 12 week old daughter.

Dear [daughter] and [son-in-law],

I thought you would like to know that [your daughter] now weighs 5 pounds less than she did this morning. 

I had decided to sort through the mail, so I put her in her carseat, so she could watch me.  Luckily, I had the good sense to put the little washcloth underneath her first. She was sitting there, happily talking to me and straining to "fart".  You know what they say...."never trust a fart"!

So after a few minutes, I thought I should check her.  Sure enough she was wet on her back side.  So I picked her up and "squish".  Bad idea!  Lots of poop oozing out! So I ran her downstairs, to the changing area, to check things out.  I observed what appeared to be about one gallon of orange sweet potatoes in her diaper (and out of her diaper)! 

Between trying to get her clothes off, and her kicking and waving her arms around, she/we managed to get her covered in orange poop from head to her little piggies.  She was still as happy as a lark. So I reach for the wipes.  Oh shit!  Only two wipes left!!  All that did was smear the orange stuff around and coat the rest of her body real good. Luckily, I found her dirty laundry - burp cloths.  So I smeared it around a bit with a dry cloth.  Not good enough.

I decided she needed a bath.  How will I do this??  Hmmm..... I'm pretty sure that [your little brother] did not clean the bathtub or the kitchen sink while I was in Europe.  So that means, I need to clean the sink first. Luckily, [your little brother] is in bed sleeping.  So, I wake him up and give him the baby who is wrapped in a cloth burp diaper, because she is still orange. (Go Netherlands!)  He doesn't want her, so I set her on his carpet and he watches her safely from his bed, while I run down stairs to clean the kitchen sink.

I decided I needed to put something on the bottom of the sink, so she doesn't slide.  But I have no clean towels, because no one washed towels while I was in Europe.  Luckily, [your sister] had washed all the dog towels after she gave the dogs a bath.  I chose one to line the bottom of the sink. I also found the baby shampoo and a wash cloth. I ran back up to [your little brother's] room, where he is still watching her from his bed and marveling at her orange glow. I pick up the orange one, and bring her downstairs to the kitchen sink. 

I set her in gently.  "What's this?", she wonders with a worried look on her face.  I just keep smiling and talk faster.  This entertains and reasures  her.  Now she is quite happy to relax in the bath.
Afterwards, I wrap her up in another dog towel.  These towels are my old towels from college.  They were used for a while as camping towels, but they got too old and thin for camping. Now they are dog towels. From now on, we will refer to them as, the "poopy baby towels".

Anyways, your little sweetie is now clean and smells really good. I decided to wash her hair, while I was at it.  This episode wore her out though, because soon afterwards, she fell asleep in my arms.  Now she is having sweet (potato) dreams.


My co-workers and I just about died laughing! 

And although not from the described event, the following photo depicts a similar situation occurring later on that month.


  1. I found your blog on the Sew Many Ways site today. Your blog was the only one I read. This entry came up on the bottom and it intrigued me...so I read it. I laughed so hard I cried! I love your mother's humor in all of this. ...I'm sure you will understand if your baby brother never has children!